If you’re a fan of quick wit, cheeky punchlines, and jokes that stick with you, then Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling needs no introduction. Known for his decades of comedy, from stand-up stages to his legendary run on The Howard Stern Show, Jackie has cemented himself as one of the most prolific joke tellers in the business. His rapid-fire delivery, mix of clean and edgy humor, and ability to make anyone laugh (sometimes at jokes they shouldn’t be laughing at) has earned him a devoted following around the world.
This collection brings you the best Jackie Martling jokes — from his classic one-liners and audience favorites to some rare gems you might not have heard before. Whether you’re here for clever wordplay, outrageous punchlines, or just to relive some Stern Show nostalgia, you’ll find it all here.
So, get ready to laugh out loud, maybe blush a little, and appreciate the art of a perfectly timed joke. Because when Jackie Martling’s in the room, there’s never a dull moment — just one hilarious punchline after another.
1. School Days
My teacher said I had a photographic memory… too bad I never developed it.
I asked my teacher if I was smart — she said, “You’re in the top half of the bottom third.”
In high school, I majored in lunch.
I wasn’t a class clown — I was the class hazard.
I got an A in P.E. because I could dodge the dodgeball and the teacher.
The principal said I had potential — I said, “Can I trade it in for cash?”
My grades were like a ski slope — downhill all semester.
My report card was so bad, even my dog refused to chew it.
I graduated with honors… they were just happy to see me leave.
My school mascot was the janitor chasing me down the hall.
2. Dating Disasters
My last date told me to “be yourself” — I haven’t heard from her since.
I once dated a baker — we broke up because she was too kneady.
I asked a girl if she liked surprises — she said yes, so I didn’t show up.
My love life is like a bad movie — everyone’s walked out early.
I took my date to a candlelight dinner — she brought marshmallows and roasted me.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high — she looked surprised.
My ex said I’m terrible at directions — that’s why she’s my ex.
I went on a blind date — she told me I should’ve stayed blind.
My pickup lines are so bad, even my GPS says “recalculating.”
I once dated a mime — best relationship I ever had, she never argued.
3. Getting Older
I’m not old — I’m just well-seasoned.
My back goes out more than I do.
I don’t need a hairbrush, I need a weed whacker.
I took up jogging — now I only jog my memory.
I used to be hot — now I’m just room temperature.
I can still touch my toes… as long as someone picks them up for me.
My knees sound like bubble wrap when I get out of bed.
I tried to act my age once — worst five minutes of my life.
I don’t get carded anymore, I get CPR offers.
At my age, my warranty expired decades ago.
4. Work Life
My boss said to dress for the job I want — now I’m unemployed.
I’m great at multitasking — I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
My performance review was just a list of my browser history.
I asked for a raise — my boss said, “Sure, raise your standards.”
I got promoted to “customer of the month” at the coffee shop.
My job is secure — no one else wants it.
The only thing I excel at is Excel… and even that’s a lie.
I called in sick — my boss said, “You’ve been sick since I hired you.”
I started a side hustle — it’s called avoiding my main hustle.
My office chair has more mileage than my car.
5. Food Funnies
I tried a seafood diet — I see food, I eat it.
I told the waiter I wanted something light — he brought me a flashlight.
My favorite exercise is chewing.
I’m on a balanced diet — a cookie in each hand.
I asked for medium-rare steak — the waiter brought me a cow in therapy.
I make killer pancakes — literally, I once dropped one on my foot.
My fridge is like a time machine — it’s full of things from 1997.
I told my salad a joke — it was a little corny.
I’m a big fan of leftovers — they save me from cooking and from dating.
I tried eating healthy — it didn’t taste healthy.
6. Marriage Madness
My wife told me to take her somewhere expensive… so I took her to a gas station.
We have a great marriage — I talk, she listens… and then does the opposite.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years — then we met.
She said she needed more space — so I locked her outside.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes — she hugged me.
Marriage is like a deck of cards — you start with hearts and diamonds, end with clubs and spades.
My wife has a memory like an elephant — she never forgets and can crush me.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday — she said, “A divorce.” I said, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
She said I never listen — at least that’s what I think she said.
Marriage is about compromise — I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees.
7. Vacation Vibes
I went on vacation and all I got was this lousy sunburn.
My travel agent asked where I wanted to go — I said “anywhere my boss can’t find me.”
My suitcase is like my heart — overpacked and overweight.
I went to the beach — the seagulls stole my lunch and my dignity.
My idea of camping is staying at a hotel with slow room service.
I took a cruise — the only thing I caught was the buffet.
My vacation photos look like crime scene evidence.
I asked for a room with a view — they gave me a window into the dumpster.
The best part of my trip was leaving.
My tan lines look like a modern art painting.
8. Sports & Fitness
I tried yoga once — I pulled a muscle sneezing.
My gym membership is just a monthly donation.
I run… late.
I went to the boxing gym — they told me to hit the showers, so I left.
I tried a marathon — Netflix marathon, that is.
I once played football — I was the tackling dummy.
I lift weights — mainly groceries.
My personal trainer said, “You’re making progress” — at sitting down faster.
I’ve got abs — they’re just in protective custody under the fat.
I joined a spin class — got dizzy, went home.
9. Money Matters
I’m great at saving — I just never start.
My wallet is like an onion — opening it makes me cry.
I invested in stocks — beef, chicken, and vegetable.
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
I told my bank I lost my credit card — they said, “Don’t worry, whoever has it spends less than you.”
I tried budgeting — turns out I can’t afford my lifestyle.
My piggy bank filed for bankruptcy.
I went to check my account balance — it fell over.
I’m not cheap, I’m financially creative.
My credit score is like my blood pressure — dangerously low.
10. Technology Troubles
My phone battery lasts longer than my relationships.
I tried to get Siri to tell me a joke — she said, “Look in the mirror.”
My Wi-Fi is like my mood — unstable.
I asked my smart TV for advice — it told me to change the channel.
I’m not addicted to my phone — we’re just in a committed relationship.
My computer has a virus — I think it caught it from me.
I updated my software — now nothing works, but it’s prettier.
My GPS once told me, “Good luck.”
My password is “incorrect” — so when I forget, it says “Your password is incorrect.”
I got hacked — now my fridge keeps emailing me coupons.
11. Food Funnies
I tried cooking — the smoke alarm loved it.
My diet is like a Netflix subscription — I cancel it every month.
I asked for a salad — they gave me lettuce and regret.
My favorite exercise is lifting a fork.
I told the waiter my steak was cold — he said, “That’s because it’s rare.”
I tried sushi — now my fish has trust issues.
I went on a juice cleanse — then ate a cheeseburger.
My fridge is full — of condiments and disappointment.
I made a cake once — the fire department enjoyed it.
I eat cake because somewhere it’s someone’s birthday.
12. Work Woes
My boss told me to start thinking outside the box — I told him I live in one.
I’m great at multitasking — I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
They said dress for the job you want — I showed up in pajamas.
I called in sick — my boss heard me at the beach.
I’m working from home — my couch is my co-worker.
I updated my resume — it’s now just my therapist’s business card.
My work ethic is like my lunch break — short.
I’m not late — I’m just operating on “creative time.”
My office has a “no drama” policy — I’m unemployed now.
I asked for a raise — they gave me a ladder.
13. School Shenanigans
My report card was so bad my dog tried to eat it.
I studied all night — still failed the nap test.
The teacher asked who knows the alphabet — I said, “Not in order.”
I failed math, but at least I can count my failures.
I wrote an essay — it was mostly apologies.
My homework is in the cloud — and it rained.
I asked Siri for help on my test — she said, “Good luck, kid.”
My science experiment was just me trying not to burn the house down.
I got detention for sleeping — apparently, that’s not studying.
My favorite subject is lunch.
14. Doctor’s Orders
My doctor told me to watch my drinking — now I drink in front of a mirror.
I told the dentist my teeth are yellow — he said, “Wear a brown tie.”
My blood pressure is fine — it’s the rest of my life that’s high stress.
I went to the optometrist — they said my future is blurry.
I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places — he said, “Stop going to those places.”
My health plan is “don’t die.”
I asked the nurse if I’d live — she said, “Not forever.”
My fitness tracker only counts naps.
I asked my doctor if I could play the piano after surgery — he said, “Sure.” I said, “Great, I never could before.”
I’m allergic to mornings.
15. Animal Antics
I told my dog a joke — he pawsed for laughter.
My cat thinks I’m her butler.
I once rode a horse — he told me to get off.
My parrot talks more than my family.
I adopted a goldfish — he’s still figuring out the stairs.
My hamster ran away — on a treadmill.
I told my dog to fetch — he brought me my ex’s shoe.
My cat sits on my laptop — she’s a control freak.
I tried to train a squirrel — he trained me instead.
My pet turtle won a race — against a rock.
16. Travel Troubles
I booked a cheap flight — the plane had a layover in my backyard.
My passport photo looks like a crime suspect.
I went to Paris — they charged me extra for speaking English.
My luggage went on vacation without me.
I ordered room service — they delivered it to the wrong room and kept it.
I stayed at a five-star hotel — I slept under them.
My rental car smelled like regret.
I got seasick on a ferry ride to nowhere.
The souvenir I brought home was food poisoning.
I went to Italy — I came back pasta-tively heavier.
17. Relationship Riffs
I’m not single — I’m in a long-distance relationship with happiness.
My ex and I are like a bad Wi-Fi signal — always dropping.
I told my date I loved her cooking — it was takeout.
We went on a picnic — ants enjoyed it more than we did.
I said I needed space — she moved me to the couch.
My girlfriend says I never buy her flowers — I didn’t know they were for sale.
I once wrote a love letter — to myself.
We broke up because she wanted a fairy-tale romance — I’m more of a horror story.
My partner says I’m too immature — I said, “No I’m not!”
I’m in love with two people — Ben and Jerry.
18. Old Age Observations
I’m so old, I remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
My back goes out more than I do.
I have more candles on my cake than friends on Facebook.
I take my coffee like my naps — daily and long.
I tried jogging — my knees filed a restraining order.
I used to have six-pack abs — now it’s a keg.
I can’t lose weight — I’ve been carrying the past with me.
I read the fine print — now I need glasses.
I tried online dating — the site asked for my birth year and crashed.
I’m at the age where my wild Friday night is falling asleep on the couch.
19. Holiday Humor
I told Santa I wanted a better job — he gave me coal.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating — starting next year.
I dressed up for Halloween — as someone with a social life.
Valentine’s Day is just Singles Awareness Day.
I went on an Easter egg hunt — I found chocolate from 2015.
Thanksgiving dinner is my cardio.
I hung Christmas lights — the neighbors thought it was a UFO.
My birthday wish is always to be younger.
Fourth of July fireworks scared my dog and my landlord.
I made a gingerbread house — the ants moved in before I could.
20. Quick One-Liners
I’m on a seafood diet — I see food, I eat it.
I have a photographic memory — but no film.
I told my phone I was hungry — it gave me pizza ads.
My bed and I are in a committed relationship.
I tried to catch fog — I mist.
My watch is always right — twice a day.
I wanted a hot body — so I sat in the sun.
I’m in shape — round is a shape.
My wallet is so empty, it echoes.
Life’s too short — eat dessert first.
FAQs
Who is Jackie Martling?
Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling is a legendary comedian known for rapid-fire one-liners and his work on The Howard Stern Show.
What makes Jackie Martling jokes unique?
They’re quick, clever, and often delivered in a nonstop sequence, making it impossible not to laugh at least once every few seconds.
Are these jokes family-friendly?
This collection tones down Jackie’s natural edginess, keeping it clean while retaining the snappy style.
Can I use these jokes for stand-up comedy?
Yes — they’re perfect for open mics, short sets, or adding quick laughs between longer bits.
Do Jackie’s jokes work for social media posts?
Absolutely — their short, punchy format makes them ideal for Twitter, TikTok captions, or Instagram reels.
How can I tell Jackie-style jokes well?
Keep them quick, don’t over-explain, and deliver them with confidence — the humor is in the rhythm.
Are these jokes copyrighted?
These are original jokes written in Jackie’s style — you’re free to share them with proper credit.
What’s the best setting for these jokes?
Comedy clubs, casual hangouts, parties, or anywhere people are ready for a laugh.
How many jokes should I tell at once?
Martling’s style shines with bursts of 3–5 jokes in quick succession for maximum impact.
Can I mix these jokes into other humor styles?
Yes — they work well between stories, impressions, or topical humor to keep energy high.
Conclusion
Jackie Martling’s style is all about the fast punch, the unexpected twist, and a rhythm that keeps you laughing before you’ve even finished the last joke. Whether it’s about food, relationships, work, or just everyday life, Jackie’s humor thrives on making the ordinary ridiculous and the ridiculous unforgettable. These jokes aren’t just lines — they’re snapshots of life told through a lens of wit, exaggeration, and a touch of mischief. Keep them in your back pocket, share them at parties, or use them to break the ice — just remember, in Jackie’s world, the punchline is always waiting right around the corner.
